


To love and to be loved

by IndigoJuly



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Lucy, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29768784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly
Summary: Snapshots of the ways Alex and Maggie affirm Leon after he comes out as genderfluid.Just another mini collection of scenes featuring genderfluid!Lucy and Director Sanvers. A little bit of feelings and a little bit of fluff.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27





	To love and to be loved

**Author's Note:**

> It’s another genderfluid!Lucy fic, where Lucy also goes by Leon and he/him. This fic is all Leon-focused.
> 
> And it’s not required reading for this to make sense, but if you enjoy these genderfluid!Lucy fics and somehow haven’t read the gf!Lucy stuff that NerdsbianHokie and change-the-rules (DisplacedWarrior) have posted on tumblr, you absolutely should since they are wonderful and these two deserve all the credit for coming up with the idea. This fic also alludes to [this set of posts in particular](https://nerdsbianhokie.tumblr.com/post/155240447868/okay-so-genderfluid-lucy-not-entirely-sure-where).

It almost feels like their first limits conservation. But this time it's Leon, not Alex, spinning a pencil between his fingers and staring blankly down at sheets of paper with the categories he's come up with. 

Alex walks up to the table with two mugs. She sets one down to the left of the paper. "Tea?" 

"Thanks." He looks up with an expression that he hopes doesn't look too strained. Alex smiles, soft and concerned and proud all at once and sometimes he just wants to hold her close and etch every expression into his mind to remember the beauty of them.

"And popcorn is ready.” Maggie sets a bowl down on the table and joins them, a gentle smile on her face as well.

The handful of popcorn that Leon immediately grabs is absolutely not to buy more time. And neither is the sip of tea he takes to wash it down. 

“Wait, this is your tea you got from Kara.” He recognizes the smell and flavor immediately.

Alex nods. “Yeah and you know why you recognize it? It’s because you asked for a sip the first time I tried it and then never stopped asking whenever you see me pull it out,” she says, her narrowed eyes tempered by a playful smirk.

“I didn’t expect Kara to have such good taste.” At the rate Kara inhales food, it’s a wonder that she can taste it at all. “I had to make sure it wasn’t just a one-off. You know how it is. Can’t make a conclusion from a single observation.” He shrugs and plays it off, if only to watch Alex’s eyes flash. 

“Well,” she says, leaning forward a touch to take a sip of her own tea. “Since I have plenty of evidence suggesting that you’ll just take my cup at some point, I figured that if I wanted any chance of enjoying tea, I’d need to make you your own cup as well.” 

“Good thing Sawyer can’t handle the way you make your tea.”

“It’s gross,” Maggie mutters, glaring at the mug. Like it personally offends her.

Alex takes a pointed sip without breaking eye contact with Maggie. “Good thing it’s my tea, not yours.”

“Thank you though, really.” Leon eases them back from the banter. “You didn’t have to make me some.” 

“I wanted to,” Alex says simply.

“Let us do things for you, Leon. Like this.” Maggie nods towards the paper still sitting on the table. 

All of this—the tea, the food, the banter, it’s settled his nerves considerably.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to have the conversation. He does. 

And not just for himself, but because he wants Alex and Maggie to feel heard, too. Because he’s told his girlfriends that he’s not always a woman. And more than that, he’s sometimes a man. They were kind and loving and everything he needed—and now it’s time to actually talk about this. How things will work when he’s Leon.

(Really, he had been preparing for something worse. Was half expecting them to leave. Because this wasn’t what they signed up for.)

“If I can’t push down my feelings, neither can you,” Alex says.

He huffs at that, looking away. “Promise me that you two won’t either. I don’t… want to ask for too much.” 

“You deserve to be happy. That includes feeling seen for who you are.” Alex frowns as he continues to stare down.

“Hey, Leon.” Maggie pauses until he looks back at her. “I know you won’t push for something that we aren’t comfortable with. We may have to meet each other halfway for some things, but we won’t even be able to do that if you don’t let us know how you’re feeling.”

“Ok.” He breathes and looks between Alex and Maggie from his spot at the head of the table. He appreciates the honesty. “So for talking boundaries and… support,” he winces a little at the word but keeps talking, “I thought we could start with this format.” He slides the pages forward a bit. “We’re used to it already.”

Neat lines divide the white space into sections. Three vertical columns, labelled _Yes, Maybe, No._ Three horizontal rows labelled _Words, Touch, Actions_.

“This,” he taps the sheet with the pencil eraser, “is for when I’m a man. Or close enough to use that word, like now.” 

“Ok.” Maggie nods and that too, the steadiness in that one word, helps the tension unravel. “And for when you aren’t? If you’re neither, or something else?”

“I was thinking we could do another one sometime after this, to see how it works first. And since this," he nervously taps the pencil against the table during the admission, "is harder than I thought."

"What's making it difficult?" Alex asks, looking up from the page. Her eyes soften at his expression. “Can we do something to make it easier?”

He thinks for a minute, pulling one leg up to rest his foot on the seat of the chair. It’s a habit he’s picked up from Alex and Maggie that he can’t seem to break now. 

“No, I just don’t know how to feel about a lot of things. And it's not fair to you to ask you to just try everything and make you uncomfortable in the process."

It’s frustrating. And the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks that maybe there won’t be a system that works. 

His gender shifts like water. It’s the sea level that doesn’t seem to change when stared at, but can nevertheless shift according to the tides. Or the barely-there ripple from wind across a pond and the ocean waves battering against the shore. That and everything in between.

And what feels right and wrong in the moment can be an iceberg looming, its tip peeking up above the surface that conceals the shadowy ice submerged. Or it’s the mist condensed over a lake, visible but impossible to grasp. 

It’s all fluid, and the slightest change can tip the balance or hold it steady and suddenly, breaking things down into simple categories seems like a futile effort.

“Hey—I’m sorry.” Maggie reaches out to cover his hand tightly gripping the pencil. The same hand she grabbed when he came out with carefully rehearsed words to hide the terror underneath. “That’s not what I meant when I said we should talk about how all of this works. Alex and I, we just don’t want to do something that hurts you if we can avoid it. We can always add or change stuff as they come up. This is just a starting point. And it’s not a burden. You being Leon—you aren’t a burden."

Leon looks up at both of them, lets Alex take his other hand. They hold him steadily, eyes so genuine, so warm, and it strikes him—the depth of emotion he feels. How much he would do just to see them happy. 

It's taking time for him to accept that Maggie and Alex feel the same way and don't expect anything in return. 

“Let us do this for you,” Alex repeats.

And how can he deny them?

They start with the easiest part and reaffirm on the paper that they’ll use Leon and he/him/his when he lets them know.

“It can change during the day or depending on who I’m around,” he points out. “Do you want the play-by-play?” 

“Sure, however much will help us make you comfortable,” Maggie says.

“And you can text us if we aren’t together,” Alex adds. He makes a quick note of that.

They discuss and add to the page. Alex with rounded capitals, Maggie with flowy cursive, and Leon with neat print. It does end up being just a starting point. There are plenty of things that they leave for a later date. But it goes well, even better than Leon hoped. And he feels that much lighter afterwards.

\--

Compliments are a tricky thing. 

He writes down _cute_ in the No column for Words.

“I know you already don’t use it to refer to me directly, but…” He glances up to find them already nodding.

They know he bristles at the word _cute_ used to directly describe himself as Lucy, and it’s no different when he’s a man. 

He finds words like _beautiful_ and _gorgeous_ too feminine and those immediately join it in the No group. 

They decide to try _handsome,_ but later, when they do—

Leon steps into Alex’s apartment. He’s already texted Alex and Maggie to let them know he’s Leon so there’s no surprise when they greet him.

Maggie takes in his new jacket with buttons on the right and the word comes out just slightly breathy in a way that should make him stand a little taller. By all accounts it should. 

Instead, Leon suppresses a wince. Though apparently not very well.

“Was that not ok?” Maggie gives him space and doesn’t try to grab him when he turns away. Alex looks up from whatever she’s working on at the table.

“I’m sorry, I know that’s a compliment,” he shakes his head.

“Hey, no, you don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry. We won’t use that word if it feels bad.”

“No I just—” He sighs. This calls for a couch conversation.

Leon settles into the armchair, needing the space. It’s one of those days when he wants to forget he has a body, but his mind won’t stop looping back around to every part of him that should or shouldn’t be there.

Maggie and Alex take a seat on the couch. He tries again. “It’s not always bad. But it just felt… forced. I know it wasn’t!” He’s quick to reassure, even if he doesn’t quite believe his own words. “But…”

“But?” Maggie tilts her head.

He finally gives into the urge to curl his legs up onto the armchair. “But when I feel like it isn’t true, it makes me focus on everything that feels wrong.”

They mostly refrain from using compliments based on physical appearance at first. It’s not until a little later when the words stop feeling jarring or pitying, when he feels like they aren’t humoring him. 

(It starts in the slow-fast moment before they leave for Kara’s Christmas party. When they’re just finishing getting ready and waiting until it’s time to leave. Leon comes out of the bathroom with the tie Maggie got him and a grey sport coat with patch elbows that he’s been saving for this occasion. Alex takes one look and has to bite her lip to cut off the _handsome_ that reflexively comes out in a whisper, but Leon is striding across the room and pulling her in for a kiss before she can get an apology out.)

\--

Some things are relatively clear-cut and easy. 

They all decide that general cuddling is a Yes. 

“Is this ok?” Alex asks as she joins him on the couch, drawing her legs up onto the seat cushions as she starts to lie down.

“I’m good if you’re good. Just grab the pillow if you’re going to rest on me.” Leon helps her arrange the pillow against his front, both a barrier and a cushion for her to rest her head against. 

A soft sigh falls from her lips when he drapes an arm over her side. “You gonna fall asleep on me, Danvers?”

“Not a chance.”

Maggie smiles when she walks in later to find them curled up together, Alex dozing as Leon runs his fingers through her hair. The apartment is quiet save for their steady breathing. “Any room for me?” 

He raises his other arm around the back of the couch and Maggie slots into the remaining space by his side. 

It’s not really a gendered thing for them, but in that moment, just holding the two of them like that—it feels oh so right.

\--

And there are a few things he’s embarrassed about. 

As Lucy, she doesn’t mind the height jokes. They’re all in good fun and she likes tilting Alex’s face down for a kiss or lifting her chin up an inch to meet Maggie’s lips. 

But as Leon, the teasing makes his dysphoria flare and cut at an insecurity he hates. He wants to be able to brush them off. And he tries for a while, until Alex notices the way he’s started to withdraw afterwards and calls him out on it. 

It’s on the day that Alex and Leon both have the day off. Today they have no plans, having promised Maggie that they would actually rest for once.

“I’m going to die of boredom,” Alex declares, groaning at the ceiling.

“Are you saying I’m not interesting to be around?” He snags a slice of strawberry off her plate in retaliation, mock offended.

“I’m just saying that you aren’t a new recruit I can humble on the mat, or one of the alien tissue samples I’m studying.”

“So you admit that I’d have you on your back if we sparred.”

“I bet I’d get you to tap out three times in a row, Lane,” Alex scoffs, a friendly challenge laced in her voice.

“You’re awfully confident. If I win, I get to choose the movie you watch with Kara on sister’s night when it’s your night to choose.”

“And if I win, I get your movie pick for the next three movie nights.”

Leon narrows his eyes at that. “And how is that fair?”

Alex returns the look with a raised eyebrow. “You will absolutely choose the most embarrassing movie for me to watch with Kara. Meanwhile, any single movie I choose will not be nearly as embarrassing for you, so I need multiple movies to make up the difference.”

“Two movies.” He holds Alex’s gaze for a second before she grins.

“Alright, but then I say we should watch How To Get Away With Murder today. Don’t worry!” She holds her hand up when Leon opens his mouth to object. “You can throw popcorn at the TV while you entertain me with all your ranting about everything wrong with the show.”

He absolutely does pelt popcorn at the screen.

It’s finally during a lull in the ranting (when they’ve paused the show to refill the popcorn) that Alex brings it up. 

And he immediately plays it off. “What, you think I can’t take a joke?”

Or maybe it comes off as defensive. Alex turns sideways on the couch to look at him expectantly.

“Alright, I just.” Leon sighs and can’t meet her eyes. He’s usually good with words. But some things resist being distilled down. And then there are some things that he’s too embarrassed to want to admit.

“I can lay off them,” Alex says, when it’s clear that he isn’t continuing. “But you can tell me when things bother you, no matter how big or small. I _want_ you to tell me, Leon. I won’t judge.”

He risks a glance at her face, so open and honest that his heart aches to be vulnerable. “It’s not all the time. Just when I’m male.”

“Ok.” Alex smiles softly and then gives him a look. “And don’t apologize. I’m happy to do that.”

They write it down when Maggie gets back from work and the only thing she shakes her head at is the buttery popcorn mess they’ve made near the TV.

\--

Some things happen naturally and don’t end up being written down.

They come up with a new routine around hair. It’s usually Maggie who gets the most attention, where Alex and Leon take turns running fingers through the long hair and making tiny braids. But playing with Alex and Lucy’s hair is just as fun.

At the moment, Leon’s nails scratch gently against the back of Maggie’s neck, then thread through her silky hair. She hums happily, tipping her head back a little.

Alex joins them on the bed. “That’s the perfect way to make her sleepy.” She sits behind Leon and trails her hands up his back. “Can I play with your hair?”

He thinks about it, imagines her softly tugging at the length of it and finds he really doesn’t want that. 

“Ah, not tonight?” He’s finally gotten more comfortable setting certain boundaries when it comes to being Leon, but the guilty tone seeps through.

Alex’s hands stop at his shoulders to massage away the tension there. “Ok. Thank you for saying so.” 

He doesn’t always dislike them touching his hair though, and as soon as he figures out a hairstyle that helps him feel more masculine, they start to help him put it up.

“Pull it a little tighter,” Alex advises as Maggie works on replicating the braided knots that Alex had done the day before.

Maggie bites her lip, concentrating. “Am I pulling too tight, Lee?”

He resists shaking his head this time. “No, you’re fine.” 

“What do I do next?”

“This part goes here, and…” Alex takes Maggie through the steps and soon enough, his hair is pulled back above his neck into the knots. Distinctly different from the regulation bun he had spent years putting up while still getting the hair off this neck. 

“I think I need more practice,” Maggie says. Leon reaches back to feel Maggie’s latest attempt. Still a little loose and probably slightly lopsided, but definitely an improvement over the previous tries.

“You mind if I take it out and do it again?”

“Go for it.”

And maybe Maggie spends a little more time practicing on Leon than necessary just to feel Alex’s hands guide hers, but he really doesn’t mind. It’s intimate. A routine he doesn’t do as a woman and affirming to have Alex and Maggie be a part of it.

“How does that feel?” Leon opens his eyes at Alex’s voice, drawn out of the relaxed state he drifted off to while Maggie practiced. 

He tilts his head this way and that, looking into the hand mirror and he can’t stop the grin that bursts onto his face. This, this is him. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” 

Alex plucks the mirror from his fingers and tugs his chin up for a kiss.

Maggie wraps herself against his back, solid and warm. 

And this too, this is perfect, and this is love.

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as an idea that was more coherent, but turned into a bunch of vaguely related scenes to flesh out certain parts of this genderfluid!Lucy headcanon I’ve gotten way too deep into. Maybe it’s interesting? And I just need to yeet this out into the wild so I can focus on my actual job. 
> 
> And once again, I’m not genderfluid. I drew a bit on my experiences being trans and did research, and eventually chose to portray Lucy’s experiences like this. But if it seems off in any way or if it could be improved, I’d really love to know so I can try to change it! You can come yell at me on [tumblr](https://throughalleternity.tumblr.com/) if you’d rather.


End file.
